A Tap on the Glass

A Tap on the Glass - Vol. 33 - If You Care

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Even the introverts amongst us – (that’s myself included!) – are social beings.

It’s completely natural for us to pay attention to what other people might be thinking.

But here’s the problem; worrying about what other people think can lead us to take on too many commitments, deny what our real goals and passions are and settle for a life of “people-pleasing”. It’s a frustrating trip down a rabbit hole.

On the other hand, paying no heed at all to how others might be thinking of us can lead to professional and personal relationships turning sour too.

I strive, sometimes successfully and sometimes not so successfully to maintain a healthy balance between the two. Of late, admittedly, it’s been a big challenge.

In a column a few weeks ago, I brought up the subject of realizing that nobody is perfect….and it created some response and comment back to me. So further introspection seemed appropriate. Here’s some things to consider:

Step 1: Pay Attention – But Don’t Worry

Worrying rarely gets you anywhere in life. Worry, if you really stop to think about it, really has no resolution to it. It’s simply draining both mentally and physically to you. So don’t spend time feeling unhappy or anxious about how others might be thinking of you. Try not to let your emotions run away with you and cloud the issue here, and don’t spend time trying to “mind-read” other people. You’re going to be wrong much more often than right.

You’re often your own worst critic – and frankly, most people have far too much on your minds to care whether you’re slightly over/under-dressed for a situation, for instance.

Step 2: Does Their Opinion Matter?

Stop caring what random strangers think of you. If you like to sing as you walk round your local park, and someone passing gives you a weird look – it really doesn’t matter. Their opinion isn’t going to affect you in any way.

The same goes for all sorts of situations. For example, a problem that many overweight people have when they’re trying to get in shape is that they’d like to go to the gym or to an exercise class, but they’re worried what people will think of them. Ask yourself “can what they think hurt me?” or “does their opinion matter?” until you feel confident enough to go ahead with what you want.

Step 3: Use the Feedback

If you get a negative reaction from a key figure in your life, like your boss or a colleague, then it’s wise to pay attention. If your boss is fanatical about keeping a tidy desk and you couldn’t care less, it might be worth adjusting your behavior – especially if your boss scowls every time s/he sees your desk.

What you can’t do is make assumptions about what other people are thinking, though. You need to make sure you really do have evidence to back up your mania. In the absence of any real evidence, try assuming the best rather than the worst! For example, if someone sends you a rather curt email, assume that they were just in a hurry – don’t start worrying over whether they dislike you.

Step 4: Put Your Goals First

Maybe you have very different goals to your family and friends. Perhaps you’re keen to get a great grade in school, but your friends think you should just join them in partying and having a laugh. It doesn’t really matter what they think: your goals should be more important than their opinion.

The same goes for all sorts of situations. Maybe you’ve ended up in a career or a relationship you hate because it’s what someone else wanted you to do. Your goals should never be dictated by other people. YOU have to make those decisions.

(If you don’t have any explicit goals, that might be why you’re prone to worrying about what other people think – because you don’t have your own plan for your life. You might want to read 11 Useful Tips on Setting Goals and Achieving Them.)

Step 5: Value Your Values

If other people make fun or discount your values, ignore them. Perhaps you’d like to read more about personal development and self-improvement, but you’re worried your friends would just laugh at you if they found out. Maybe you’re keen to do your best at work even when the boss is away – but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot for not joining them in slacking off.

Whatever the situation, make sure you’re holding tight to your own values, rather than being swept along by other people’s. Many people will actually be impressed (even if they don’t say so) – because you’ve had the conviction to stick to what you believe is important. Even more importantly to your own mental health, when you look in the mirror you’ll like who’s looking back at you. That is very important.

Step 6: Remember That You Don’t Have to be Popular

Even though we are conditioned for years to think so, the truth of the matter is that life isn’t like high school.

It doesn’t matter if you’re not popular. You can never please everyone anyway - so don’t even begin to try.

Say “no” to commitments that you don’t want to take on, but give your ALL when you do commit. Just remember, be willing to do something that goes against the crowd, if it’s what you truly believe in.

Of course, there are a few people in my life who I want to be popular with – my spouse, my kids, and my peers, for example. But in general, most people’s opinions and thoughts are unlikely to have any real effect. Plus, if you behave as “yourself” and people don’t like you – would you really want them to be your friends anyway?

“Do what you want and say what you feel, because the people that mind don’t matter and the people that matter, don’t mind.”

Dr. Seuss

Thanks for reading…

A Tap on the Glass - Vol. 32 - Time is NOT on Our Side

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What each of us is doing this minute is the most important event in history for us.

We have decided to invest our resources in this opportunity rather than in any other.

It is helpful to remember this when we consider the passage of time.

As the years pass by faster and faster, I am acutely aware that the bird of time is on the wing and I’m not at the head of the V formation anymore.

Not long ago, I discovered the vicious social beast called Facebook…and through it “friends” who were a bunch of old people who claimed to be my former classmates. I didn’t recognize most of them…so I have to take their claim at “face” value.

I can imagine a class reunion at this point where we all have big name tags printed in capital letters, so we wouldn't have to squint with our reading glasses on trying to associate the name with each well-traveled face.

It was only yesterday that I was really enjoying high school. What had happened to the decades in between? Where had they flown?

To the side of the bandstand, where the sound of the late Sixties and Seventies blared our favorite Top 10 hits, I think there would be a poster with a printed verse for all of us to see. It would say:

'There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise, and poor performance.

Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn.

Now, if I do the math right, this leaves only one day: Today.

I don’t recall where I read this statement. I’m almost sure it hails back to the Free Love Seventies and the Age of Aquarius or some such New Age muck….but I can see some truth to it.

Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It’s only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities -- Yesterday and Tomorrow -- that we break down.

It ‘s not Today’s experiences that drives us crazy (at least not long term), it’s all that remorse and bitterness for something which happened Yesterday as well as the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Here’s some good advice, I think: Live for Today.

Malcolm Forbes believed the important thing is never to say die until you're dead, and he lived that example to the hilt.

It is, as we realize when we suddenly look into the eyes of strangers we’ve known our whole lives, a short journey.

Make today your best day ever!

A Tap on the Glass - Vol. 31 - Burnout Happens

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How can you try so hard to succeed and yet fail?

I once knew a salesperson who was so successful that he failed.
His sales and commissions were high, and yet he failed. He was in his office at 6:00 a.m. each weekday and left at nearly 9:00 p.m. each evening. Weekends were used to work at home to catch up on reading, paperwork, and administrative details.

His unrelenting work schedule was amply rewarded financially. Unfortunately, along the way, he became a different person. He became irritable, forgetful, impatient, and fatigued. His family, friends, and co-workers were disappointed and even disgusted with his new personality. Even though he was very successful at work, he was failing at everything else. Eventually he became bored and disenchanted with the sales profession altogether. He was a classic victim of the vicious cycle of BURNOUT.

SO, WHAT IS BURNOUT?

It’s what happens when you run a machine too hard and too long.  It burns out. The same thing happens to a human machine—a person.
When people strive too hard and too long to reach a goal, they burn out. Burnout is a state of fatigue and/or frustration brought on by an intense pursuit of a goal or devotion to a cause. It brings on a series of physical, emotional, and psychological problems.

WHO SUFFERS FROM BURNOUT?

Super-achievers suffer from burnout. They usually have overly full schedules and yet still find the time to take on more. They have a difficult time saying no to the requests of others. When working on projects, they usually do more than their share. Part of their problem relates to their inability or unwillingness to delegate things to others. They like things done right and done on time. Consequently, they do almost everything themselves.

I liken burnout victims to jugglers. They pick up three balls (jobs, tasks, causes) and start juggling them. Once they feel competent enough, they pick up two more balls. Then three more. Now they’re juggling eight tasks at the same time. Other people marvel at the burnout victim’s ability to do so many things at the same time. The victim’s pat response is “I work well under pressure.” That is true, of course.  They’re proving that daily. However, nobody works well under extreme levels of tension and pressure for extended periods of time.

Eventually, the overall quality of the victim’s work diminishes. People around them become increasingly skeptical, disappointed, and critical of the victim’s work. The victims sense these negative feelings and overcompensate by pushing themselves even harder. They actually pick up four more balls for their juggling act. The quality of their work deteriorates even further. The vicious cycle of burnout claims another victim.

The people who fall prey to burnout are not bad people. They simply lose their perspective of what is really important in life. They strive too hard to reach a goal in one area of their life, such as their business or profession, and let the other areas of their life (family, social, personal, etc.) flounder. They usually don’t heed the warning signals or symptoms of burnout because they honestly believe things will get better soon. I have news you might use….They don’t!

These people simply expose themselves to too much stress over too short a period of time, and they burn out. Even when they’re lucky enough to achieve their goal and get what they wanted, it usually isn’t what they expected. In other words, the reward doesn’t seem to compensate them for their efforts.

ARE YOU IN THE PROCESS OF BURNING OUT?

Most people like to know whether they are one of the unlucky victims of burnout. If so, you’re probably exhibiting some or all of the burnout symptoms. These include constant exhaustion, paranoia, forgetfulness, emotional tension, boredom, lethargy, impatience, irritability, skepticism and cynicism, and a superman complex—a sense of omnipotence. Now, don’t rush to the burnout doctor if you are experiencing some of these symptoms. It’s common for everyone to experience some of these ills occasionally, yet temporarily, in some areas of their life. The burnout victims have symptoms that are constant, growing, and pervasive throughout all aspects of their life. They are truly sick physically and emotionally.

How prone are you to burnout? Take the BURNOUT QUIZ I have at the end of this article to determine your current potential for burnout.

HOW DO YOU PREVENT OR RECOVER FROM BURNOUT?

It’s not easy.  If it was, everybody would do it.   It requires an intense commitment on your part to change your behavior for the better, and the healthier. It will require the same devotion and willpower as quitting smoking or going on a diet. However, don’t try too hard. You may burn out by trying too hard to get better.  How’s that for irony?

The following activities can help prevent you from becoming a burnout victim. They can also aid you in recovering from a burnout you are already experiencing. If you follow these guidelines, don’t try to change too many of your behaviors at once. That will result in a quick case of frustration and a reversion to your comfortable old behaviors. Attempt one new behavioral change at a time. Do not try an additional new behavior until you have comfortably mastered the previous one. In this way, your new healthy behaviors will last.

1. Limit the number of hours you work. The classic burnout victims work excessively long hours—6 or 7 days per week. Even when they’re home or out socializing, they can’t stop thinking and talking business. They wear themselves down physically and mentally.

Make a firm commitment to cut your daily workload down by one hour per week, each and every week, until you’re down to 8‑9 hours per day, five days per week. Don t say that’s impossible. It certainly is possible if you learn how to manage your time better. What you’re going to find is that by giving yourself a little “wiggle room”, you’ll actually become MORE productive in less time.  That’s working SMART.  Hard is good once in awhile.  Smart is good all the time.

2. Set goals—write them down. Most burnout victims work so hard and so long because they get bogged down in too many trivial tasks. Very often the really important jobs, the ones with a high payoff, never get done. This lack of task perspective is very often the direct result of not having clearly defined goals down in writing.

By knowing what is truly important to you in your life, and by having clearly written goals and action plans, you are better able to differentiate the high-payoff tasks from the low-payoff tasks. Then, if you spend most or all of your time doing your high-priority tasks, you’ll probably accomplish twice as much in half the time.  Once again, that’s working SMART.

3. Learn to say “No!” Burnout victims have a difficult time telling people they are not able to do another task. They feel it shatters their omnipotent image. Ironically, taking on too much puts so much pressure on the burnout victims that the overall quality of their work decreases and their superman image suffers anyway. When you feel you have more than enough to keep you busy, politely refuse to take on more.

4. Learn to delegate. One of the major problems afflicting burnout victims is their inability and unwillingness to delegate tasks to others. They must resist the tendency to do things themselves. Train others, especially your secretary or assistant, to do your routine and low-priority tasks. Also delegate the right to make mistakes. That’s how others learn. Give them their space to do things on their own. You should be spending your time on planning and completing your high‑priority tasks.

5. Exercise. One of the most effective ways to relieve tension and stress is through exercise. It not only helps you avoid a burnout episode, it also helps you circumvent many other physical ailments. Workaholics and super-achievers complain that they do not have the time to exercise. On the contrary, taking time out of a busy schedule to exercise usually makes you feel less fatigued while you’re working and actually increases your level of awareness and productivity on the job. Force yourself to get at least 200 minutes of physical activity per week spread out over at least five separate days.  I’m as guilty of this as many of you.  It’s easier said than done, but it’s attainable.

6. Break your routines. Don’t follow too rigid a schedule. Too much structure gets you into a rut. In the field of nutrition, the experts recommend rotational dieting. That simply means not eating the same foods all the time and adding variety and flexibility to your eating habits. The same advice holds true for your daily and weekly work schedule. Purposely go out of your way to do some things differently, to do some new things, and to do them at different times.

7. Try to relax. Kick back every so often during each day. Let your mind wander, not thinking about anything in particular, and especially not about business. These are necessary recharge breaks. Take long, hot baths at home to relieve tension. You will find that this is an ideal way to relax both your mind and body.

8. Eat lunch AWAY from the office. This is an excellent way to accomplish many of the above suggestions: Walking to and from the restaurant or the park is an excellent source of exercise. Eating lunch outside or in the park is an ideal way to relax and cleanse your mind. Leaving the office for meals breaks the routine of being in the office all day.

9. Take vacations. Most burnout victims rarely take vacations. They have too much work to do. Even when their spouse forces them to go on a vacation, they load one suitcase with books, reading materials, and work. If the vacation consists of more than three days in the same location, burnout victims start climbing the walls. They’re on a withdrawal from work.

If you react in the above manner, take a series of three‑day vacations throughout the year and discipline yourself not to bring any work with you. Vacation to relax, not simply to work in another environment.

10. Spend more time with your family. I realize not everyone is married or has a family. Those who do should schedule their family members into their appointment book and respect the entry as they would any other business appointment. Eat at least one meal per day with your family. Try to keep business calls to a minimum at your home. Spend one evening and one half-day per week doing something with your family as a group (TV watching doesn’t count!). Get to really know the people who are very important to you in your life.

11. Take time for yourself. Get away by yourself intermittently. Spend some time alone getting to know yourself. Meditate. Relax. Read light, enjoyable material. Pursue a hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with your line of work, but which is relaxing and enjoyable. Treat yourself—you deserve it.

12. Don’t take life too seriously. Believe it or not, you’re not indispensable. Not to the world. Not to your country. Not even to your company. Everything will go on with or without you. Let up on yourself and others. Yes, you do make a contribution—maybe even a major one. But don’t overestimate your own value and worth. Do what you do and do it well. But, don’t kill yourself in the process, because then you’re of no value to the people and causes for which you were working. Take care of yourself and enjoy all aspects of your life—not just work.

Everyone will be the better for it, especially you.

Being successful is not easy. It is, in fact, one of the most difficult things in life to do. It takes hard work, smart work, and dedication. However, if you try TOO hard to succeed, at the expense of other areas of your life, it is only a matter of time before you burn out. The consequences of burnout are not pretty. You don’t have to fall victim to it if you just keep your goals in perspective and your total life in balance, and follow the burnout-prevention recommendations suggested in this article. You’ll be successful in ALL areas of your life, not just work.

BURNOUT QUIZ

SA = Strongly Agree = 10 points
A = Agree = 7 points
D = Disagree = 3 points
SD = Strongly Disagree = O points
  1. I always seem to feel fatigued throughout the day.
  2. I find myself talking less and less in business and social meetings.
  3. My memory seems to be deteriorating—I’m forgetting more and more.
  4. Even after a good night’s sleep, I still feel tired.
  5. I find it very difficult to really relax—my mind always seems to be in full gear thinking about work.
  6. At the end of each day, I feel that I’m further behind than when I started the day.
  7. I seem to be more irritable and cranky lately. I am not as patient with others. I have a short fuse and blow up easily.
  8. I am spending less and less time on physical activities and hobbies—or with my family and friends.
  9. I seldom seem to be pleased with what I’ve already accomplished. I feel that I should be accomplishing more.
  10. I either operate at full speed ahead or at dead asleep—no middle ground.
SCORING:

  • 0-15 points—you either don’t do anything or you’ve really got your act together.
  • 16-50 points—you’re doing well. At this level, you're highly unlikely to suffer from burnout.
  • 51-80 points—you’re on thin ice and just about ready to fall in. You’d better change your lifestyle quickly because burnout is knocking down your door.
  • 86-100 points— I’m glad I don’t work for you or with you. You are a walking time bomb. If you do not make immediate adjustments in your behavior, you may be burned out by the time you finish reading this article.
Since Cinco de Mayo is tomorrow, maybe this phrase might help you relax – “Una Cerveza por favor!”(after hours and no driving of course)

A Tap on the Glass - Vol. 30 - Being a Winner

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Being a Winner: Quit Analyzing and Use Your Intuition
By Lee Colan

Lee Colan’s book, Winners ALWAYS Quit, is a great read. I thought you might enjoy an excerpt from it this week. I hope you also glean a useful nugget that helps you elevate your success!

Tom Peters called intuition our greatest gift. It’s the feeling we get when what we are seeing doesn’t match up with the facts we think we know; it’s the sudden move we make without thinking that saves us from disaster; it’s the voice that tells us the truth rather than what we would like to hear.

Intuition is the ability to make quick and sound decisions based on a minimum of information. For instance, take a look at this paragraph:

Cna yuo raed tihs? I cdn’uolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonemnel pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rsereeachr at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteers be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig, huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Isn’t it astounding how easily we can decipher words with information that is ambiguous, garbled, or less than complete?

We are wired to see underlying patterns, fill in the gaps, straighten out the miscues, and discover the hidden meanings. The same is true of our innate ability to make decisions.

Applying the 80/20 Principle to our thinking can help us make smarter, faster, more intuitive decisions. The 80/20 Principle (also known as the Pareto Principle) is pervasive in our world:

• 80% of traffic jams occur on 20% of roads.
• 80% of beer is consumed by 20% of drinkers.
• 80% of classroom participation comes from 20% of students.
• 80% of profits come from 20% of customers.

In most situations, you can gather 80 percent of the relevant information in the first 20 percent of the time available.

Generally, the remaining 20 percent of the data (which would take the remaining 80 percent of your time to obtain) would not substantially improve the quality of your decision.

Your intuition is good enough to organize the data and fill in the gaps, just as it did in those nonsense sentences a few paragraphs back.

Specifically, here’s how you might apply the 80/20 Principle to your next big decision:
First, identify the top five pieces of information you need to make the decision

Then, decide which four of these five are highest in priority.

Once you’ve gathered this information, you will have roughly 80 percent of the information you need, and the remaining 20 percent is less important.

Now, harness all of your experience and your intuition to fill in the blanks and make a great decision—even faster!

Thanks for reading…

A Tap on the Glass - Vol. 29 - Action and Inaction

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John Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States, was arguably the most beloved of all Presidents in the history of the USA. JFK was a great visionary, revered for his charisma and ethics, who was likely assassinated due to his inability to turn a blind eye to evil doers, by utilizing all his well-groomed character traits, which we will now discuss.

This is why I share with you one of my personal role-models, and all around outstanding human beings.

JFK

Take Action

"There are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction" ~JFK

This is a story that goes back to the beginning of time doesn’t it? As the story goes, in the Garden of Eden, the serpent that got Eve to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was the arbiter of this characteristic. A great salesman, the serpent represented inactivity, and stagnation in a persons growth. These articles and JFK, all stand for personal development, and as such we are the antithesis of the serpent.
This personal development is a choice to take action, sometimes in the face of great adversity and challenge, and most often at the expensive of instant gratification. We do it so that our future can be better tomorrow than it is today.

Push Through Fear

"Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate." ~JFK

I’ll share an old story: It was the 4th quarter. The player was caught a rebound and was running down the court with 10 seconds on the clock. He patiently waited for everyone to make it up court and man their positions. He analyzed all the possible plays in his head and tried to prepare for any possible scenario so that he could score the field goal that would win his basketball game.

As the buzzer rang, he was still holding on to the ball, which he failed to release due to something known as analysis paralysis. He was frozen, by fear, because he didn't know which play would be the most effective. I think you would agree that any play would be more effective than letting the clock run out with the ball still in his hands.

This doesn't just happen in sports, but it happens to all of us in a variety of situations. The only cure is to make our choices quickly, as soon as we have enough information to make an informed decision and not a moment longer.

Be The One

"One person can make a difference and every person should try." ~JFK

A common theme for inaction is something President Harry Truman called "passing the Buck." Both Truman and JFK knew that if people always pass on the responsibility to someone else they will not get anything done.

I'm not talking about times when an expert is required to solve a pertinent issue. I'm talking about every other time, where by passing the buck, people are absolving themselves from responsibility and breeding the habit of inaction. I see it a lot these days. A blind eye turned on something in the hopes someone else will take care of it.

The key word is habit, and by harnessing the power of habit, we are enabling ourselves to deal with difficult situations like it's our job. The way to develop this habit, is to believe in ourselves, and to train ourselves to make snap decisions.

Be Open Minded

"The only unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable" ~JFK

I once read a story about a Holy Rabbi by the name of Reuven Ibragimov who once said that he does not take an unshakable stand on anything. I thought that was very profound, because he is a man that believes in God, without any doubt or question. Although I don't think he's willing to be shaky on that point, I do see that by remaining fluid, flexible, and open minded, he is able to communicate and relate to his students on a very deep level.

There are certain things in life that we hold onto with our fangs and claws, and refuse to let go in an argument. If we would trace back the events or conversations that led up to our decision we may realize that we aren't as sure as we portrayed ourselves to be.

Part of why we do this is because we tend to identify ourselves with certain ideas. After holding on to them for many years, it becomes hard to shed them or leave them behind for something that is more truthful, logical or practical. However, this loyalty to faulty ideas is what keeps us in the dark, and the moment we open our minds to new ideas is the moment that we become free.

Lofty thoughts for consideration to be sure.

Thanks for reading.

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